A Fools Game

        Ah, dearest sounding board. We meet again. Long has it been, and dark, since I last scrawled the echoes of souls long lost but not forgotten for all and none to read. Today, we're going to talk about the folly of feelings, and what they can mean for the future. Shall we? We shall.

Ahem.

For many moons now, I have felt a feeling. GASP! I know, I'm as surprised as you are. This feeling though is...rather destructive to the idea of a community, and downright pathetic when you, or at least I, get right down to it.

The feeling is one of burden. O' what glorious burden! Or hindrance, as my few friends must surely have heard me say this month. I find myself questioning my presence in the lives of those I love and respect, and whether or not that presence is a terrible detriment to their growth and well being. Anyone who has known me for any measure of time will tell you it's not easy having me for a friend. Trust issues not withstanding, there is a cold but unyielding desire to punish myself for both perceived and unperceived wrongs I feel I've inflicted upon this world.

Namely, that of cursing better people to know me. It's odd that I've entered into so many great friendships with this mechanic in play, which only feeds into my trust issues because surely they do it out of jest. A joke, I say. That's what I am here. A fucking joke. There's no way in seven hells that these fantastic and inspiring people are at all moved by me and my exploits. O', but I am indeed enchanted by the purity and palpability of your ponderous persona.

And that's when the feeling of burden sets in. Even with these awful thoughts about these great people, which we will address further rest assured, I enter into these relationships despite it all. I thrust unto them my flaws and failures and get raw, unfettered kindness in return, which in turn makes me want to be a more kind and understanding person. It's all well and good, right? Alas, perhaps it's only on my end.

I never really took the time to think about what my bullshit persona was doing to them, but I knew with a bone-deep certainty that it can't be good. Fie, I cried! What good am I amid these radiant and rolling hills replete with the neat?

Bullshit sentiments, I know, but bear with me.

Thus begins the silly self sabotage and distancing of any and all that ever dared enter a Derfly heart. I push them away thinking I know what is best for them. Yes, these people who are far better and understanding than I cannot perceive the error of their knowing me. God forbid they know their own hearts!

And so I push.

and push.







and push them further away until at last whatever light I reflected their way becomes as ash in their eyes. I sully whatever goodness they found in me by being terribly shitty to them. I sometimes wish I could shed this reprehensible behaviour. If not for me, then for them. They deserved better. Not just better, but *my* best. I fail to see this time and time again and it's all punctuated by the fact that they are now gone from my noise and I cannot apologize. I can't be forgiven for thinking so nasty about them. They never wanted to hurt me. I know that. Sadly, I don't *always* know it, as knowing is such a fleeting thing in my little world and one that I can scarcely trust in.

Though, the worst of it all, naturally, is not getting to know them anymore. Never sharing again in the midday doldrums and nightly heights. I can never again be supportive of them. I can never delight in them having a good day, nor sympathize and bandage wounds if it was a day less so. I've lost so many this way. Would that it were not so.

Alas, I must live with these choices now. If I could take it all back, I would, but at the same time I would not dare to try and wriggle out of the feelings I so clearly earned. I will feel them full and press on with these glowing personalities in mind, in a feeble attempt to be better than this...

...and fail at that, too.

 Oy vey, dear readers. Oy fucking vey, I am tiresome.

Have a great week!