First Impressions of Assassins Creed IV: Black Flag

By now it is no secret that I have little to no love for this game series so I apologize if my report appears to be less of a review and more of a diatribe contrived from the 6 year Ubisoft campaign to make a profit on the backs of historical figures and the senseless assassination of said figures. Keep in mind, however, that I am ill informed regarding the content of several of the Creed titles as I so affectionately refer to them because they remind me of that god awful band that formed back in the early 90s. That being said, my report will be specifically about Black Flag with little to no influence of previous titles so rest assured, any unbiased opinions will be left at the door. With that out of the way, let's crack on, shall we?

Assassins Creed IV(which is really more like Assassins Creed VI but why split hairs) starts off with both a literal and metaphorical bang, springing you into the fold of an all out aquatic battle that despite the many sailors standing right next to the helm puts you at the wheel of a great and lumbering vessel. The water fight, though visually stunning, seems to be a clunky, contrived bit of gameplay tacked on to make it seem like the developers are doing something new with the title. I can understand how the helmsman would be responsible for putting the ship into a good position to fire but having him be the one who decides the distance as well as precisely when to fire seems absurd to me, but then the gameplay wouldn't be at all riveting without that mechanic so I can see why they did it.

Despite the actions of the courageous nobody you control, who we later identify as the 22 year old scallywag for hire, Edward Kenway, the gunpowder ignites and sends the player overboard, diving us headlong into a flashback scene that establishes some semblance of a romantic plot point that will no doubt be used against the protagonist later on. After the flashback wraps up, we're told to swim to shore and it's at this point that I'm reminded of one of the reasons why I never particularly cared for these games. Linear gameplay. Follow this line. Go to this blinky dot. Make no attempt to discover anything yourself because we went to a lot of effort to point this path out for you. But I digress. Perhaps the story may be it's salvation.

Once you get to shore, which is for some reason a bright and balmy day, a far cry from the intense storm you were fighting in moments before, you encounter the man who assassinated your captain. He appears gravely injured and makes you an offer to get him safely to Havana, to which you for all intents and purposes say "You have the money on you? Yeah? Then fuck you!" and proceed to chase the bastard down and murder him. The developers did not waste time trying to make the pirate with a heart of a gold and that's one thing I can appreciate. I'm sick of this "pirates are cool" thing that's been going around over the last decade so it's nice to see a scumbag truly embrace his own foulness.

Rifling through the mans pockets afterward you come across a note that tells of great fortune, to which our anti-hero says "Home girls gonna get PAID!" and straps on our late friends gear that for whatever bullshit reason has no blood on it whatsoever despite the player having just skewered the last man wearing it. Conveniently, Mr. Kenway (now masquerading as Duncan) happens upon a fellow by the name of Stede who's being oppressed by the kings own royal navy, and guess where ol' Stedey is going? Yep, another convenient bit of storytelling. Havana is in this year though, right? You kill the navy men, hop aboard a new vessel and speed your clunky ass way to Havana and thank fuck they don't make you steer the entire way there. Wind Waker satisfied all our open sea needs ages ago.

Even with such a contrived storyline though, I can't deny it is a visually stunning piece of gaming. The water reflects just so, the trees wave in the wind etc. The game mechanics seem a little off but that could just be because the play tester in the video has replaced his thumbs with mushy grapes. One can never really be sure without playing it firsthand. From this little tutorial, I have come to the conclusion that it's all really just more of the same, but if you liked previous titles then that's a good indicator that you'll like this one. Because it is exactly the same. but y'know...with boats and whores and rum, which god forbid, had better not be gone.

If you're anything like me though, you'll steer your vessel clear of this one lads. (see what I did there? Nautical humour!)

This is the Derfender of Piece signing off. But keep a weather eye on the horizon for my next review! Take er easy.

Sincerely,
Frederick Mckay jr._________________________________________President, CEO, Janitor of the Derfender of Piece Game Reviewers

I'm Not That Guy.

Sometimes you just gotta admit that shit to yourself because it sure as hell isn't fooling anyone, least of all yourself, y'know? Try as we may, some of us seem destined to be the pebble in the shoe, the fly in the ointment, the fuck in the cluster fuck. Not out of any malicious intent or ulterior motive, there's nothing to gain from behaving as such, it is simply that we are, for better but usually for worse, incapable of being comfortable conducting ourselves in any other way. Some days it's a good day to lie, some days it's a good day to try. That is, try to be more, because we do. In vain perhaps, but doesn't that make the whole effort that much more meaningful? The battle goes ill deep down but fucked if us massive bastards and occasional gentlemen aren't gonna go down swinging.

I'm not the good guy, but god dammit I'm trying...and at best I'm getting pretty good at not being the bad guy. In the end, can any of us really ask for more than that? Probably. Very probably but that shit isn't too realistic now is it.

Keep it real, non-existent listeners.