Odd social Norms, or Why I learned to stop hugging and love the knuckle bump.

       As many are aware, human interaction has garnered some very strange habits that, on the face of them seem normal now, but at the time of their conception must have been perceived as just a little bit weird, or were even meant for something else entirely.

I am of course referring to hugs. And other things. Mostly hugs.

Now. Some will undoubtedly say I am an incredibly awkward and broken person for what I'm about to say, and for the most part I get it. I do. I definitely mostly get it. However. As I am not in fact a unique and graceful snowflake, I'm gonna go ahead and say it anyway because I have to believe I'm not the only one who's thinking it, and even if I was, that isn't any sort of reason for me not to say it. With that bit covered, let's crack on shall we?

So hugs. Hugs.

Those things that for many are nowt but a warm, meaningful embrace, or a perfunctory squishing of another persons organs to maintain the status quo between friends, family, lovers, etc. who are, for their own reasons, unable to just admit that these emotive clamps are friggin' weird. When exactly did this become a thing? I believe its origin was not just a base feeling that we were born with from the get-go, but something far more sinister.

It was snakes. Snakes invented hugging. To death. Whether you believe in creationism or evolution, both beliefs have snakes so fuck you if you're gonna try to put a spin on an otherwise innocent rant about hugs. Save your incredibly passionate diatribes about each others faiths for...I don't know, Youtube comment sections. You will no doubt find kinship there. (seriously, why is that? How does Marcy Playground stir up religious debate?)

So snakes, right. Adam and Eve(or a couple of neanderthals) were sitting around one day, as they're known to, when one should get angry at the other. I don't know, maybe they really wanted that crotch leaf (or beating club)the other was sporting and just took it one day. Whatever the case, they're angry at one another okay? So they take some time apart to fume and maybe eventually get over it, when one of them sees a snake constricting a field mouse to death. This was another time so they probably didn't get it right away, but sooner or later they must have thought "That thing is making that other thing die by squeezing its body...hey...hey! I COULD DO THAT TO THE BASTARD THAT STOLE MY LEAF!(or beating club)"

Thus, the hug was born.

They danced back to their meadows(or caves) with all the enthusiasm of a boy band.

"I'm gonna make them die" they'll think. "I'm gonna make them die by squeezing their body."

As soon as they arrive, they set their ghastly plan into motion, springing forward like a flesh and bone bear trap. There are "argh!" sounds and everything. Their would be victim, however, is not dying for some reason. Maybe the hugger is weaker than the hugged. Maybe their arms are shorter and cannot fit around their victim. I don't know. I'm not a doctor. At any rate, their plan is failing.

Meanwhile, the hugged starts thinking "Hey...hey! This is kinda nice. I feel...a thing!" and begins to speak(or grunt). "Hey you...hey this is a nice thing you're doing to me. Your nice thing makes me want to give you back your leaf(or beating club). Please take it, and accept my apology"

The hugger stumbles back, confused, but ultimately satisfied with the result of their actions.

"What made you want to do that thing to me?" the hugged asks.

Not knowing what to say(or grunt), the hugger mutters "I don't know...you stole my leaf and I wanted to make you die"

Shocked, and a little pissed off, the hugged bears their teeth in anger at the hugger and begins plotting their companions demise.

Thus, the smile is born.